Post the Twelfth: Conversations with My Abdomen

A conversation with my abdomen from earlier this evening:

Me - Abdomen?

Abdomen - Hey, what's up?

Me - Oh, you are there! I haven't seen you in a little while now. I was starting to get worried.

Abdomen - Yeah, uh it's been more like a long while.

Me - You're right. Why is that?

Abdomen - ...

Me - Abdomen? Why has it been so long?

Abdomen - Err...

Me - It's okay, you can tell me

Abdomen - You're kind of a lazy lump.

Me - What?

Abdomen - You're a really lazy lump.

Me - That's silly. I dance and I walk practically everywhere

Abdomen - You last danced back in November

Me - Well...

Abdomen - And you've been taking the bus everywhere since it started getting cold

Me  - That's only been going on for a little whi -

Abdomen - 2 Months. Almost 3. It's the end of January.

Me - Oh

Abdomen - And you've been eating like mad tons of craving-indulging food because of the holidays.

Me - Oh yeah...

Abdomen - And you live with the best baker in the world and therefore eat butter infused baked goods left right and centre.

Me - Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

Abdomen - You and I, we were getting along there for awhile. You were finally getting so fond of our friendship that you would even flaunt me from time to time.

Me - I'm sorry.

Abdomen - I miss you.

Me - I miss you too. Abdomen, I've been a really bad friend and I promise that I'm going to start getting you back to what you were. It's time for you to come out of hiding so I can share you in your full glory once more. Starting right now I am cutting back on eating crap and I am going to make a honest effort to get regular exercise and maybe even get back to dancing. Whaddaya say?

Abdomen - That sounds great, but uh... oh this is awkward

Me - What is it, Abdomen?

Abdomen - You're eating pudding cups for dinner.

Me - ... starting tomorrow then.

Post the Eighth: A New Year

Wow! It is a brand new year! 2012.

Two-Thousand & Twelve!

I am happily enjoying a chewy, chocolate apricot cookie, having made no resolutions in regards to weight loss or diet. I am, in fact, happily enjoying a lot of things in my life right now, which is why I am so happy about this new year. For the first time that I can remember I am so very much at peace with who I am at the beginning of a year. That's not to say that I don't see any room for improvement (or for more sexy cat sweaters; they will always find a home with me) but I think this year I don't really need to make any resolutions to hold over myself until I forget about having made them.

However! In the spirit of the new year I would like to offer you some suggestions for resolutions that may be a little more obscure and more fun to partake in than weight loss. Here goes:

Potential Resolutions for 2012

1. Beat ChocolateAndJames' high score of 2,147,483,647 on Robot Unicorn Attack. 

2. Build the strongest fort known to mankind that can survive the End of Time, which the Mayans have predicted as being due to occur on December 21st of THIS YEAR! When you finish building it feel free to invite me to live there.

3. Prove the existence of Santa Claus. You know he exists but SOME people have been convinced otherwise by modern cynicism. Git yerself on up to the North Pole and find that jolly old elf! Be sure to bring some bribery for the reindeer. Blitzen could use some new Jimmy Choos (these ones are a safe bet).

4. "Adopt" animals at risk of extinction. The World Wildlife Fund offers symbolic adoptions of animals, which allow you to provide financial aid for the preservation various wild animals. They lists the following animals as being Extinct, Extinct in the Wild, or Critically Endangered:

• The Amur Leopard
• The Crocodile
• Darwin's Fox
• The Emerald Hummingbird
• The Gorilla
• The Mekong Dolphin
• Przewalski's Horse
• The Sea Turtle
• The Sumatran Rhino
• The Tiger
• The White-Cheeked Gibbon

Now you may think, oh, that's easy, I'll adopt an animal by sending a bit of money their way. But the real purpose for this is not to save the animals, but to collect all them nifty animal plushies. You gotta catch 'em all, and the only way of doing that is by adopting every animal on the WWF adoption list. Save up money throughout the year, perhaps by keeping a swear jar if you have a potty mouth or by skipping your morning Starbucks and opting to brew your own coffee instead. Start up a race amongst your co-workers to see who can get all of them first, and win. Do whatever you can to make sure you own ALL THE ANIMALS!

5. Build a Leprechaun Colony.

6. Build a Unicorn Colony.

7. Build a Colony of Lupricorns (Leprchaun-Unicorn half-breeds).

8. Train yourself to watch this without laughing, peeing you pants, crying, staring in awe or running from the room:

9. Gain Weight: It's winter and, if you live north or south enough in either hemisphere, things are  getting chilly! Summer's a long way off to be thinking about how you're going to fit into some old bikini you're going to want to replace anyway, so why not put on a few pounds as winter insulation? Start your day off with a nice big pot roast (if you put it in the slow-cooker before you go to bed it'll be ready for you in the morning). On your way to work pick up a big ol' buttery croissant from a local café along with a hot chocolate made with double cream. A good daily lunch might consist of an Easter ham (why wait til spring? they're delicious) or maybe a 5L tub of ice cream. Afternoon tea is a must, with Devonshire cream, scones, and breakfast sausages thrown in for good measure. Dinner = Deep-fried Turkey Dinner with lots of Gravy. Feel free to nosh on bacon throughout the day to keep you going. This method is guaranteed to help you put on a few to stay nice toasty for the rest of the season.

10. All of the Above.

Post the Fifth: Curd

Last night I decided to make some cupcakes because my fridge contained an exorbitant amount of lemon curd in it (in a cup; not just laying around on the shelves). When I bit into the first warm gooey cupcake I remembered that I don't like lemon curd. In fact, I find the aftertaste of lemon curd to be pretty repulsive. And then I got thinking about the word 'curd'.


Curd.


It is one of my least favourite words ever. Not only does the word rhyme with a synonym for fecal matter but it doesn't even have anything pleasant in its definition.


The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines 'curd' as follows:

¹curd

noun \ˈkərd\

Definition of CURD

1

: the thick casein-rich part of coagulated milk

2

: something suggesting the curd of milk 

GROSS! Curd is the thick part of the coagulated lactation of some animal or other and that is just about as foul as it gets. Curds are all chunky and gnarly and often surrounded by liquid. Yuck! In almost every scenario I can think of curds are not my friend. But I am Canadian, and so there is one exception I think of in which curds become my beloved.

Here it is:

Image found at http://www.motifake.com/109720

Isn't it beautiful? 

Poutine is a French-Canadian dish that is concocted by making a bunch of really hot fries, piling on a heap-ton of cheese curd, and slathering it all with searing hot gravy. The heat of the fries and the gravy melts the cheese curds so the whole thing is a gooey heart-clogging heaven. Some people use shredded cheese, but real poutine is made with curds. If you too hate curds maybe it's time you came for a little visit in Canada (namely Quebec) and got yourself a big ol' tasty plate of conversion.