Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Post the Fifteenth: Nasal Spontaneity

I enjoy being a somewhat spontaneously strange person. I like making odd sounds on a whim and I like bursting into made-up songs at the drop of a hat. Sometimes extreme joy, an excess of caffeine in my system or sheer boredom cause me to run around and move in inexplicably odd ways whilst singing "AROOOOOOOO" at the top of my lungs. I embrace this kind of spontaneity. It's fun.

When the dry winter months are upon us my nose also embraces spontaneity. It likes to surprise-attack me with nosebleeds, usually at very inopportune times. Sometimes it is as if my nose is eagerly waiting to spring one on me when I will be the most aggravated by it. Running late for the bus? Yes! Having a heart-to-heart with your partner? Boo yeah!  Wearing white? SHAZZAM! IT'S NOSEBLEED TIME!!!!!! I am thankful that my nose does not own a confetti gun, as I am sure it would set one off every time it pulls this prank if given the opportunity.

Well, I've had enough of it, and I'm issuing a formal complaint.

Dear Nose:

You are being immature. Grow up. I do not appreciate your spontaneity and you are not funny. You show so much promise and you are wasting it on this crude prank. Find yourself a new hobby. Examples of new hobbies you might take an interest in are:
  1. Making snorting noises
  2. Exhaling in a meaningful and dramatic way
  3. Playing viola
Maybe you've never noticed this, because you are not particularly fashion-forward, but red is not your colour.

I love you, but...





Thursday, January 26, 2012

Post the Fourteenth: Alaska

I have a problem.

Every time I see a map of Alaska I cannot focus on the fact that I am looking at a map. I don't see the state at all. I see a polar bear on a broken barge that is on fire.




Don't see it? That's okay. I will show you, with the help of Paint.



See! I told you!

Post the Thirteenth: Thiiiiirrrteeeeeen!!!!

Sometimes I get superstitious. This is my 13th post. I think that by acknowledging the number and the weight it carries I might be able to avoid any potential dire consequences from having a Post the Thirteenth. Wikipedia is helping me out a bit on this one.

So. Thirteen. THIRTEEN!!!

Fear of the number 13 is called Triskaidekaphobia. Fear of Friday the 13th is called Friggatriskaidekaphobia, or Paraskevidekatriaphobia. Did you know that Tupac was pronounced dead on a Friday the 13th? Or that on a Friday the 13th in 1939 71 people lost their lives to the worst brush fire in Australian history? Just this month 16 passengers were killed, with another 61 injured when the Costa Concordia cruise ship sank on Friday the 13th.Friday the 13th is considered to be the most feared date in Western culture.

It is the smallest number with eight letters in it's English name. Don't let that fool you. It is a big number. It is extreme. What it lacks in numerical value it makes up for in terror and black magic.

It takes a minimum of 13 turns to make a noose that is strong enough to snap a neck. There are also 13 steps to the gallows.

The number 13 is said to be representative of femininity as is corresponds with the number of lunar cycles in a year. It is said to be dedicated to evil because the lunar calendar was "repressed" when the solar calendar was adopted. This does not surprise me. When I am feeling repressed I too feel an urge to dedicate myself to evil. All the evil. JUST KIDDING! *wink

Your standard coven should consist of 13 witches. (If I have a coven, it will consist of 13 unicorns) Thirteen is also the age at which those who are magically inclined traditionally start learning witchcraft (Hogwarts starts them off young. Dumbledore was a keener.)

The only unsuccessful U.S. mission to land humans on the moon was Apollo 13.

13 is considered to be the age at which one becomes a teenager. (No wonder it is considered so unlucky!)

Taylor Swift was born on December 13th.

There are 13 cards in a suit.

There are 13 kinds of love triangles.

A baker's dozen is 13, not 12. Why? Because bakers are good people and are on a mission to fill the world with buttery carb goodness. Or maybe they are trying to give their customers bad luck so that they'll come buy more baked goods to eat while they wallow in their misfortune.

I kind of like the number 13 (Hear that, 13? I kind of like you! So don't hurt my blog!) I like it enough that I am going to end this post by drawing a picture... in Paint.



Mad Skills.










Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Post the Twelfth: Conversations with My Abdomen

A conversation with my abdomen from earlier this evening:

Me - Abdomen?

Abdomen - Hey, what's up?

Me - Oh, you are there! I haven't seen you in a little while now. I was starting to get worried.

Abdomen - Yeah, uh it's been more like a long while.

Me - You're right. Why is that?

Abdomen - ...

Me - Abdomen? Why has it been so long?

Abdomen - Err...

Me - It's okay, you can tell me

Abdomen - You're kind of a lazy lump.

Me - What?

Abdomen - You're a really lazy lump.

Me - That's silly. I dance and I walk practically everywhere

Abdomen - You last danced back in November

Me - Well...

Abdomen - And you've been taking the bus everywhere since it started getting cold

Me  - That's only been going on for a little whi -

Abdomen - 2 Months. Almost 3. It's the end of January.

Me - Oh

Abdomen - And you've been eating like mad tons of craving-indulging food because of the holidays.

Me - Oh yeah...

Abdomen - And you live with the best baker in the world and therefore eat butter infused baked goods left right and centre.

Me - Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

Abdomen - You and I, we were getting along there for awhile. You were finally getting so fond of our friendship that you would even flaunt me from time to time.

Me - I'm sorry.

Abdomen - I miss you.

Me - I miss you too. Abdomen, I've been a really bad friend and I promise that I'm going to start getting you back to what you were. It's time for you to come out of hiding so I can share you in your full glory once more. Starting right now I am cutting back on eating crap and I am going to make a honest effort to get regular exercise and maybe even get back to dancing. Whaddaya say?

Abdomen - That sounds great, but uh... oh this is awkward

Me - What is it, Abdomen?

Abdomen - You're eating pudding cups for dinner.

Me - ... starting tomorrow then.






Post the Eleventh: Breaking News

This just in...

The Odd One Blogs has a Facebook page! See?



WHOOOOO whoooo woohooooo!! Yay! Wayoyahay!

All you have to do to stay up to date on the bloggin's of The Odd One is go to https://www.facebook.com/oddoneblogs and click the "Like" button.



You will get any updates we post right in your NewsFeed! SHAZAMM!!! 

You can also easily post any suggestions you might have for The Odd One Blogs!!! KAPOW!!!!!


ARE YOU SO EXCITED?!?!?!?!?


i'm so excited.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Post the Tenth: Touchy Subject

Okay.

I don't often like to talk politics because I think there is more to a person than their political affiliation. There are many good, warm-hearted and well-intentioned people out there who happen to have wildly different opinions than I do about politics. I place a lot of value in the right to one's own opinion and I don't really like preaching, which is why this post is going to be a little bit difficult for me.

I need to say something about taxes. It has been said before and it will be said again. It has been countered before and it will be countered again. I still need to say it.

Taxes pay for service.

Yes, taxes suck. They REALLY suck! I hate looking at my pay and seeing just how much money the government is taking when I live from cheque to cheque. What they take could pay more than my groceries and power bill.

You know what doesn't suck? Traffic lights. Properly paved roads. Access to a library when you can't afford to buy your textbooks for school. Having a police officer come make sure you're safe when someone throws a rock through your window. Your mother surviving cancer because the government paid for her chemotherapy and radiation. The government pays for these services (and many, many more). They pay for them with our tax dollars.

Why then are voters so inclined to vote for politicians that promise reduced taxes?

Reduced Taxes = Reduced Services.

"Oh the poor people of this country! They are hard at work. They earned that money and it is being stolen from them by the greedy wingnuts in office!"

It's true, we do work hard. We do earn that money. But it is not being stolen from us. The only situation in which it is being stolen from us is when a politician decides to write off a trip to Maui as a business expense (he needed the tan for his election campaign). When this happens complain away about your hard-earned money being wasted.

I can't vote for politicians who promise tax cuts. Sure, it would be nice to be able to put more of my pay towards my personal expenses, but if that means that the services we value are being hacked down to the bare bones or cut completely than it simply isn't worth it.

I value healthcare, safety, education, funding for the arts, care for the elderly, maternity.paternity leave, child care, ... the list goes on. What we each value may differ and how we value certain services may not be equal, and that is fair enough. That's why we vote. We each vote for the political representatives who place value in the same services as we do. If the majority of voters value A, B and C then, hopefully, the next party in office will be the one that also values A, B and C. Consequently, our tax dollars go towards ensuring that A, B and C are top notch.

Wouldn't it be nice though if we could have A through Z?  Wouldn't it be nice if all of our public services were efficient and quality? If crime could be at an all time low and everyone had access to a good education? (Smarter citizens means smarter voters) If, in order to keep our free health care, we didn't have to cut back on another valuable service?

In order for us to have A through Z we have to pay taxes. If we keep cutting taxes we won't even be left with a quarter of the alphabet.

Educate yourself. Ask for info from your MP. Heck, ask for info from all the MPs! Get as much information as you can about political parties before you vote. Vote. Stop complaining about where your tax dollars are going if you didn't vote.

If you value public services don't push for more tax cuts.

Okay, that's it. That's my spiel. I value debate, so debate away. I don't mind if you contest my opinion, in fact if you do I encourage you to respond with your reasoning.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Post the Ninth: My Daughter

I am going to adopt this child:

Clip from Universal Pictures' Despicable Me

Every day I will train her to be a master of Robot Unicorn Attack and every night at bed time I will sing her this song:

Clip from Universal Pictures' Despicable Me


I just feel like we have so much in common.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Post the Eighth: A New Year

Wow! It is a brand new year! 2012.

Two-Thousand & Twelve!

I am happily enjoying a chewy, chocolate apricot cookie, having made no resolutions in regards to weight loss or diet. I am, in fact, happily enjoying a lot of things in my life right now, which is why I am so happy about this new year. For the first time that I can remember I am so very much at peace with who I am at the beginning of a year. That's not to say that I don't see any room for improvement (or for more sexy cat sweaters; they will always find a home with me) but I think this year I don't really need to make any resolutions to hold over myself until I forget about having made them.

However! In the spirit of the new year I would like to offer you some suggestions for resolutions that may be a little more obscure and more fun to partake in than weight loss. Here goes:

Potential Resolutions for 2012

1. Beat ChocolateAndJames' high score of 2,147,483,647 on Robot Unicorn Attack. 

2. Build the strongest fort known to mankind that can survive the End of Time, which the Mayans have predicted as being due to occur on December 21st of THIS YEAR! When you finish building it feel free to invite me to live there.

3. Prove the existence of Santa Claus. You know he exists but SOME people have been convinced otherwise by modern cynicism. Git yerself on up to the North Pole and find that jolly old elf! Be sure to bring some bribery for the reindeer. Blitzen could use some new Jimmy Choos (these ones are a safe bet).

4. "Adopt" animals at risk of extinction. The World Wildlife Fund offers symbolic adoptions of animals, which allow you to provide financial aid for the preservation various wild animals. They lists the following animals as being Extinct, Extinct in the Wild, or Critically Endangered:
Now you may think, oh, that's easy, I'll adopt an animal by sending a bit of money their way. But the real purpose for this is not to save the animals, but to collect all them nifty animal plushies. You gotta catch 'em all, and the only way of doing that is by adopting every animal on the WWF adoption list. Save up money throughout the year, perhaps by keeping a swear jar if you have a potty mouth or by skipping your morning Starbucks and opting to brew your own coffee instead. Start up a race amongst your co-workers to see who can get all of them first, and win. Do whatever you can to make sure you own ALL THE ANIMALS!

5. Build a Leprechaun Colony.

6. Build a Unicorn Colony.

7. Build a Colony of Lupricorns (Leprchaun-Unicorn half-breeds).

8. Train yourself to watch this without laughing, peeing you pants, crying, staring in awe or running from the room:

9. Gain Weight: It's winter and, if you live north or south enough in either hemisphere, things are  getting chilly! Summer's a long way off to be thinking about how you're going to fit into some old bikini you're going to want to replace anyway, so why not put on a few pounds as winter insulation? Start your day off with a nice big pot roast (if you put it in the slow-cooker before you go to bed it'll be ready for you in the morning). On your way to work pick up a big ol' buttery croissant from a local cafĂ© along with a hot chocolate made with double cream. A good daily lunch might consist of an Easter ham (why wait til spring? they're delicious) or maybe a 5L tub of ice cream. Afternoon tea is a must, with Devonshire cream, scones, and breakfast sausages thrown in for good measure. Dinner = Deep-fried Turkey Dinner with lots of Gravy. Feel free to nosh on bacon throughout the day to keep you going. This method is guaranteed to help you put on a few to stay nice toasty for the rest of the season.

10. All of the Above.