Post the Third: Special Remedies

I have a unique talent that has been passed down in my family. Are you ready to read what it is? It's pretty exciting. I'm not even certain that you can handle this yet, since this is only Post the Third, but I'm taking a leap of faith. Here goes:

At any given moment I can become an 85 year-old.

Pretty nuts, huh? No, I have not figured out a method of time travel that allows me to fast-forward several decades. I'm much too blonde to figure that one out, sillies. Besides, if I ever do manage to miraculously unlock the secret to time travel I have bigger fish to fry than seeing how I'll wrinkle. Imma catch me a dinosaur! It would be my pet AND my main method of transportation. Very gas efficient.

Unfortunately my methods are much less exciting and much more painful than time travel. I turn into an 85 year-old by reaching for the air-popper on the top shelf, by jumping like a lemur, by doing a happy dance when I eat waffles covered in maple syrup, etc. I become an 85 year-old when my delicate-flower-of-a-back decides that I am to nimble no more, which is at least once a month.

"Well," you may be thinking, "why don't you just stop jumping like a lemur, odd one?" BECAUSE LEMURS DON'T GET ALL THE FUN! If Zoboomafoo can do it, so can I, and I jump like a lemur with all the energy my 20-something body can muster. Then, just like magic, the next day my back says "Oh, hey, you can't move now. You are 85." The problem with this, of course, is that once I'm 85 I don't really feel like myself anymore. So, I've come up with some remedies that help me feel like a "young adult" once more, and I am sharing with you in case you find yourself to be 85 and bedridden as well.

1) Chocolate frosting. Don't bother putting it on anything. Just eat it with a spoon. Add peanut butter to the mix and you might as well go to nutrition-free joyland. 85 year-olds don't eat frosting in bed.

2) Get all the pillows and blankets you can find, pile them on your bed, and use them to build a fort-cocoon-nest in which you can do all your healing. 85 year-olds don't nest.

3) Watch a few episodes of The PowerPuff Girls. 85 year-olds don't even register the hilarity of Mojo Jojo.

4) Put a bunch of shaving cream on you head and sculpt your hair into bizarre and outrageous shapes. Then make a Youtube video about it. 85 year-olds don't put videos on Youtube.

5) Take up knitting. Obviously.


Happy Healing friends!